i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
