at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
