me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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