"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
