does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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