Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
