the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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