My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
