i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
