She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
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He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
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He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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