This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
