I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
