i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
