I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
