i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Randomize
