i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
