I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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