I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Randomize
