I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Randomize
