Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
