Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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