hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
