I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
The cops high fived after they tackled you
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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