I heard we made out
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
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