last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
19 Of The Most Epic “I Quit’ Stories Ever
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
25 People Reveal The Creepiest Kids They Went to School With
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.