I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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