I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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