His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
