so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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