Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize