One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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