Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
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When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
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oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize