So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
