Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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