I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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