im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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