If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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