I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
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come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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