I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
