Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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