Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
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