I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
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I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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