i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
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