I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Randomize
