that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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