So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
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