Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
