R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
