so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Randomize
