dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
