In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
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