I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
a search helicopter?!
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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