I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
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I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
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The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
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