There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
ok first of all what the fuck
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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