Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
