We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
